Go Cubs Go with Stansby Schwarburrito: Drew Smyly, Almost Perfect

Stansby Schwarburrito waving to my fellow Cubs fanatics from Waveland Avenue!

What a week it was!! Woo-hoooo!

Took 2 out of 3 in Los Angeles last weekend, then the Cubbie Dubbies traveled to Oakland for a series against the rotten Athletics. My honest assessment: The A’s reek. I mean REEK. They stink worse than the Bash Brothers’ bathroom stall at Oakland Coliseum. The Cubs beat up on the Triple A’s for three straight games. Then, the A’s announced they’re moving to Vegas. I got a buddy who lost so badly at Rivers Casino that he, too, decided to move to Vegas. Not sure whatever became of Roulette Roger, but I’m sure he’s doing swell in Sin City. Shout out to Roger if he’s listening. Also, Roger:. Your family misses you. Text ‘em or something so they quit reaching out to see if I’ve heard from you. It’s emotionally draining on me to hear your mom cry on my voicemail and I feel too guilty to delete without listening. Back to baseball, the Cuberoos returned home to the friendly confines to face….duh duh nuh nuh… the Dodgers again. This time on our home turf! Took the series in LA, now you want some more, Dodger Dopes? Bring it. And bring a sweater or a hoodie because it’s colder here in April than in the valley of the sun, you dorks! Jason Heyward returned to Wrigley as an opponent. I love J-Hey, as a friend, not as a player. But, boy, did I stand and cheer when they played a pregame video for Jason, after a rain delay, just like Game 7! Poetic. Brought a tear to my eye and a beer to my lips. Much love J -Hey! A forever Cub! In our hearts and hovering around our inner Mendoza lines forever and ever. Boy, though, was I conflicted when J- Hey came up in the ninth with the game on the line. My fellow fans were equally confused. Should we give him a standing O? Maybe the ovation would get him a pitch clock strike like LA did to Belli when they gave their former outfielder his due. Lord knows Michael Fulmer can use all the help he can get. If Fulmer is our closer all year, it’s on the fans to get 9 pitch clock strikes every ninth inning. I wanted Heyward to hit a ground ball to second, which I’ve seen him do many, many, many times. But he drew a walk on a full count pitch. That’s on us fans, we get that Cody Pitch Clock Ovation Strike on Heyward and he fans. Fulmer wasn’t done serving up batting practice to the Dodgers. James Outman (nice name, dork) hit a grand slam into the right field bleachers and the Cubs lost. Which brings me to my next point. Michael Fulmer, what the heck dude? Why are you doing this to us? All the other players are trying to be good and you’re not helping, bruh. David Ross should save Fulmer for blowouts, when we’re up or down double digits. Ross should’ve realized this by now, but Grandpas take a while to catch on to stuff, because they’re old and confused I guess. I’m no doctor. Speaking of double digit games, how about Friday? What a spectaula-cious delectable game this was! Seiya Suzuki started the barrage with a two run double in the first off alleged ace Julio Urias. Want some more, Urias? Eh? How about a sharp RBI single to left off the bat of Nico Hoerner. Had enough, Urias? No? OK here’s another Cody Bellinger home run off his former team! Releasing Belli will haunt your dreams, Dodgers fans, the same way Kyle Schwarber in a Phillies uniform gives me night sweats. No you’ve certainly had enough, eh Urias? No? You’re unbelievable. And naive. Because Trey Mancini is here to serve up another solo homer. Hit the showers, Urias. Who else wants a piece? Dodgers bullpen. Bring it, boys. Jake Reed? What a boring name. What are you a flute salesman? Doesn’t matter. Boom. Three run homer Patrick Wisdom. Only the Polar Bear had more home runs in all of Major League Baseball. Patrick Wisdom, sounds like the name of an Irish Poet. And he’s going James Joyce all over your butts, Dodgers, because you’re dead. 8-0 Cubs. But they weren’t done. By the time Nico Hoerner hit his first dinger of the year with a couple ducks on the pond, the score was 12-0.. Mancini drove in another run and the scoreboard read 13-0 in the sixth. But something even more magical is apparent on the old scoreboard. The Dodgers hit column is blank. Not only that, the Cubs have zero errors and Drew Smyly hasn’t issued any walks. You know what that means. I’m not gonna say it because I don’t even want to jinx it in hindsight. The intensity in the Friendly Confines grows thick with anticipation, like waiting on your chicken fingers at Raising Canes, only with far more historical significance and 30,000 other people also hoping your order comes out next. Many of the 30,000 were paying attention to every strike and ball, and I was wringing my hands when that dork Chris Taylor started working the count deep. But he whiffed! Hooray! Then J.D Martinez flew out to Suzuki. Drew is through 7!!! Wowzers! Bottom of the 8th, and that dork David Peralta is leading off. He barely makes contact and the ball dribbles out. Smyly goes to field it and…Yan Gomes tackles him! What the heck is going on? Your own catcher tackles you to end a perfect game chance? It’s not right! What are you doing Gomes? Matt Eberflus was in the crowd and he was probably confused too, given Yan Gomes now has more sacks than the entire Bears defensive front had last season. The perfecto went kaput, but the Cubs were still creaming LA 13-0. So we had that to be happy about. We sang Go Cubs Go and I went to get hot dogs. Good ones, too! Stansby’s good eats of the week: Jeff’s Red Hots on Irving Park and Cicero. They put kraut on the dog when you get it with everything and the fries are McDonald’s style -really a great dog and fries! 10 stars!!! Shout out to one of my favorite Instagram accounts Jimbo Dreams of Beefs for the recommendation!. Until next time, I’m Stansby Schwarburrito waving at my fellow Cubs fans from WAVELAND AVENUE!!!

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